I really lost everything that cool morning.
I lost my modesty and grief when I lost my balance granting victory to cruel gravity, but I also lost my prejudices when I started practicing yoga.
Prejudices about taking advice and accepting help ... even if they are taught by odiously happy people. Especially if they are taught by insufferably cheerful people
My first day practicing yoga was more than a couple of years ago and I had to introduce myself to the class as a novice and as a heterosexual man in a society that could easily condemn me for doing a "girls exercise", however I did it. I was on a path of change and improvement, and he asked me to do things that would undoubtedly be uncomfortable because they were new things.
I will always remember my first yoga class.
He was the only man and I was surrounded by older women, women who could be my mothers or grandmothers. I will always remember how each and every one of them had much more balance and flexibility than me, and even more, how all without being muscular seemed to have more strength than me to master their own weight.
It was a hilarious scene ... hilarious for any viewer, but not for his not very humble narrator.
Greetings in the sun, followed by the pose of the dog face down, the pose of the newly bathed child, connecting a cobra asana with the tiger huddled and the hidden dragon ... Bathed in sweat lost patience and control. I collapsed when I could not get my arm to stop my fall. It was really frustrating.
My temper was really put to the test that fatal morning.
I had to take directions from the most cheerful person I had found in my fucking life. She was a jovial woman who genuinely believed in positive vibes, good harmony, singing kum ba yah and all that hippie crap. I do not trust people who are too happy and positive, I am convinced that something truly dark hide behind all that joy and I also find them irritating and exasperating. Definitely not to receive any of his instructions.
My fight over the mat continued. My fight was real.
The optimistic and smiling yoga teacher noticed and decided to help me when she realized that my frustration was so great that I was able to move mountains. So when I saw myself trying to make the dog's posture face down - one of the simplest postures, but actually one that leaves you more exposed and vulnerable - tried to help me by taking my hips from behind.
I know what they are thinking, "how sensual", but it was not ... Well maybe a little.
Unfortunately I do not like physical contact, especially when people I do not know or who I just met touch me. I took this approach in the worst way because I was already disturbed by this woman so cheerful and lively that I easily imagined her as a kindergarten teacher dressed as a clown.
My discomfort burst in startle ended by destroying the pinch of concentration I had and that supposed innocent help ended in the most disastrous and calamitous fall when I tried to make a handstand.
I was so angry at the ridicule that was making me pass this nefarious but lively woman who was ready to run out of that class to never return. She smiled at me with a very annoying joy and said:
"Many times bad experiences create barriers in our minds and when we try to do something after having failed, fear does not allow us to act."
I was shocked. It seemed like he was reading my mind. I wanted to give up because I tried a new activity and this was more difficult than I anticipated. "Really these people who practice yoga are like gurus" I thought. I should not let the difficulty of overcoming the learning curve make me desist from persevering and improving. After all, I had started this way with the purpose of leaving my comfort zone and growing trying new things.
The best thing about this new discovered philosophy was that it explained many mental blocks that I had developed throughout my life: it explained my fear of being rejected by women when I approached them, the fear of failing exams that led me to fail again in exams, my fear of compromise, the anxiety that caused me the idea to go back to wearing my corduroy pants again and many more.
After finishing the class, I approached the teacher to give thanks for her patience and wisdom. With a gigantic smile and with a more enormous joy he said in his sharp and annoying voice:
"Yoga is something very personal. Sometimes, a bad experience, like a fall, can lead you to be afraid to try that position again. It's a process, do not give up and keep believing in love, unicorns and affection. "
Maybe that last part has been invented for me and it could be that she was always talking about yoga and I was the one who found deeper and deeper meaning in her words, but it does not change the fact that I found a new philosophy.
We must not let fear paralyze us and insecurities do not let us try new things or try again if we fail the first time.
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